Tag Archive: life


Breaking the Pattern

breaking the pattern photo

Breaking the Pattern

It’s funny when I first met you I couldn’t stand you,

In fact come to think,
You made me sick…

Yet good all at the same time,

 

I think I was nine or maybe I was ten;
It’s been so long now I’m not sure when

 

Initially we would have to sneak around,

Down the back of an ally, bushes or trees,

Out of the house quietly,

Making sure my folks didn’t see,

 

Other people just wouldn’t understand
Why I had to be near you and hold you in my hand,

The tut’s the looks, the glaring stares,

But we didn’t care it was just me and you there,

 

We meet twice a week, then soon everyday ,

What can I say,

I needed you,

Which to others seemed absurd,

I heard all the lectures but ignored every word,

 

We used to be able to sit at tables and bars,

Dance the night away and then under the stars,

When I was with you I was confident and funny

Although at times we couldn’t meet due to lack of money

 

But I never stopped thinking of you,

No matter how hard I tried,

It was like a part of you was always with me on the inside

 

Wanting
Raging
Strangely craving

 

Till he moment we’d meet again and I’d never want it to end,

 

But I’m sad to say I’ve met another…

She’s about to be a mother

And it’s one or the other…

 

I’ve been with you as long as I can remember,

 

But that child in her belly is to be a new part of Me

A member of My Family,

And it’s a life I want to see,

 

Which saddens me to say… That just leaves no room for you and me

Although I may miss you, relapse when drunk and try to kiss you

 

It can never be what we had

I don’t want to see my child lose his father,

The same way I lost my Dad….

 

01

Regrets

To Live with Regret

“I wish I would have….”

“If only I’d done….. Instead of……”

How often to we say to ourselves these things?

What would you truly do to be able to go back and replay an experience in life having the information that you posses now that may have been lacking at the time?

Hindsight is a valuable tool that we as humans posses,

Everyday we make choices based on the sum of our experiences through life, every step that has lead us down our path in our journey through life,

Every moment in time up until that inevitable moment where we must make that decision and live with the consequences that are to follow.

To Live with Regret is to hold onto the past.

As we replay the situation over and over again in our minds, we tell ourselves what we would have done differently had we known what we know now.

But consider this

Would I really have the knowledge and experience that I poses now, had I not made the decision that I had made?

Whatever the outcome what’s matters most is not the mistakes that you make in Life but what you are able to learn from then.

If I regret a decision then I have not truly Learned the lesson of that experience.

Some times these lessons are glaringly obvious:

“I know now in the future I need to prepare better, I didn’t do enough revision”

“I need to work on my interview technique, next time they’ll hire me”

Don’t regret the life you’ve lived instead choose to take lessons from the experiences you’ve obtained, letting these lessons carry you into the future.

Life is to short to live with regret

Make the most if each day,
Live life till its fullest,

I’m 27 now and I am where I am meant to be, every decision had made me the man I am today

To deny this fact is to deny who I truly am

I wish you all the best on your journey today 🙂 X

I’m Sorry

im-sorry

I’m Sorry,

 

I’m Sorry I don’t live up to your standards,

But it’s not my fault that you can’t see,

That there is only one true version of me,

 

I’m Sorry is a word I used to say to you,

Before I had the chance to really think it through

 

So many days I used to agonise,

Why do I have this need to look perfect in your eyes?

Why did it take me so long to realise?

 

This shit ain’t worth it,

My life aint perfect,

But the way I feel today,

I know that I’m worth it,

 

I was once Sorry for me,

Now I’m Sorry for you,

I’m Sorry you cut us short and didn’t want to see this through,

 

I’m Sorry for all the moments that we will miss,

To Touch,

To Hold,

To share a Kiss,

 

I’m Sorry that you could not wait to see,

That there is so much more to me,

 

I used to say Sorry and thought that I meant it,

But not anymore….

 

I’m not Sorry for who I am,

 

Whether you’re in my life or not….

 

Have you ever considered how much of what you display is an act and how much of it is the real you?

All of us play roles at some point in our lives, but where does the role stop and the real person inside begin.

Take meeting a perspective partner for the first time.

On that first instance, the first approach there is an element of acting involved.

 

It’s the age old dance that men and women play whatever your preference may be.

Like an interview you only get one chance to sell yourself and make a good first impression, to your perspective other.

I may be quiet, timid and insecure but on that first approach, those are the less favourable qualities of my character that I do not display.

The man you meet could maybe be seen as an exaggeration of my better qualities, but to some degree that is not the real me only the light side of the coin.

 

In my working life I play a different role.

Training and experience has enabled me to be able to handle certain situations that would cause many to fail.

This however is not so much an act but could be considered to be such if the confidence that I display in a familiar situation of which I’ve learned responses; is not the behaviour that I display in my everyday life.

Therein could be the problem that you may face and ask yourself, where does the actor or actress in me that has learned what the necessary response may be finish and where does the variety of my true nature and character begin?

 

I think to some degree I’ve always been an actor, able to assess situations and formulate the appropriate response to whatever life may throw at me.

The problem starts when you are unable to take off the multitude of masks and costumes that you may wear.

Worker, Husband, Wife, Father, Mother, Son, Daughter, CEO, Boss

All of these roles are the building blocks of your character, the person you portray, but are they really you deep down inside?

Being true to one’s self may often mean sacrificing parts of one’s self and compromising on certain beliefs…

“I was a career oriented woman or man until we had our first child”

Things that once drove you to strive to achieve are no longer the focal points of your life,

“I used to work late nights but it means more to me now to tuck my son or daughter in, than to spend that extra hour at the office”

 

As a parent you make sacrifices every day, for those you love as you put their needs ahead of your own.

This is not the actions of an actor, but the actions of the Love you poses.

We all play different roles in life,

 

Different circumstances may cause us to change our outer shell,

But for me it is most important to stay true to who we are.

 

To let someone completely in and see the true you, is the greatest expression of honesty,

My joys and successes,

My fears and my woes,

 

To be an actor bares no shame, sometimes we all need to take on certain roles,

But to deny one’s self fully, is a greater sin,

 

The true self is always changing,

I am no more the man I was yesterday,

As today had changed me into something else

But at my core,

I know who I am,

As you know who you are.

Actor/self

True/False

Only you can decide

🙂 Xx

 

Redemption,

To make up for the mistakes of one’s past,

To be redeemed in the eyes of one fellows,

To prove that you have truly changed your ways,

We all live with the scars of past mistakes,

Every choice and decision has made me into the person I am today,

I would not be as so arrogant to say that I have lived a perfect life,

Or that the angel I can sometimes portray to the outside world would be an accurate account of my true nature,

The first step towards redemption is to take responsibility for ones actions,

The second step is to live with the consequences of those decisions and realise that although you may wish to atone and mend your ways,

For some the moment when you may be ready to atone and face your demons, may not be a time when they wish to forgive.

Trust once so freely given when lost, can be a hard thing to earn once more

But there comes a point where you have to let go,

Not forget!

But Let Go,

You can only offer so many apologise,

Do so many good deeds, which in the grand scheme of things lead you to believe that you’re truly changing and atoning for your past,

But if the person or persons whom which you wish to atone, are unable to see past the darkness of the person you once were,

Then it may be that all you can do is walk away….

At least for now,

No person however far you may feel you have fallen is not worth saving,

Most days hope can be your ally, in the darkest moments of your life,

That urge never to give up and un-explainable faith that things will get better,

To walk away is not to admit defeat or to shirk one’s responsibilities,

Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing,

For to take further action would only cause more harm,

You may be at peace with your past,

But some scars run deep and leave marks no words so sweetly spoken could ever hope to heal.

I’m at peace with my past,

Though those around me may be unwilling to let go,

For me all that is left it to look towards my future,

Whether you be in my life or not,

I have admitted my faults and taken action towards setting things right,

The rest is up to you,

I tire of fighting to prove that I have changed and taking the brunt of past anger,

It is not by choice that I have walked away from parts of my life,

But to realise the there is little else I can do and that to stay would cause more harm than good,

Change does not come easy,

It is not a simple victory that can be won by a few good deeds or uttering but some simple words of apology,

All I can do is pray that I am truly a different man,

From whom I used to be,

And that those I love will come to see this in their own time…

I do this not only for you but for me also,

Redemption sought for the sake of another,

To solely regain one’s favour is not a truth in itself.

Regardless of what you may think of me,

I am who I am that’s all I can be,

And I pray one day you will finally see,

The lost and angry man you used to know,

Is not the true me… Xx

 

I’m Sorry

 

I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry if I don’t live up to your Standards,

But it’s not my fault you can’t See,

That there is only one true version of Me,

 

I’m Sorry is a word I used to say to you,

Before I’d had a chance to really think it throuhg,

 

So many days I used to agonize,

Why do I have this need to look Perfect in your eyes?

Why did it take me so long to realise? 

 

This Shit ain’t worth it,

My life ain’t Perfect,

But the way I feel today,

I know that I’m Worth It

 

I was once Sorry for Me,

Now I’m Sorry for You,

I’m Sorry you cut us short and didn’t want to see this through,

 

I’m Sorry for all the moments that we will miss,

To Touch, To Hold, To Share a Kiss,

 

I’m Sorry that you could not wait to See,

That there is so much more to Me,

 

I used to say Sorry and thought that I meant it

But not anymore…

 

I’m not Sorry for who I am,

Whether your in my life or not…

Willingness

Willingness

What does it mean?

Willingness

Am I really willing to take said course of action or am I just saying that I am?

Does my mind tell that I am willing to engage and follow the way of logic?

But does my behavior as expressed by my actions dictate that the path I follow displays a fundamental unwillingness to change?

“I know it worked for him or her, I’ve seen the proof! how then can I not give it a try when my way clearly isn’t working”

What then is stopping me from being willing?

The answer to this question is Me!!

There’s a Vast difference between Knowing the right path and Walking the right path.

To take Action is the key,

It is a gift unto to which no man or woman can give another,
For it is a deep routed desire or a feeling of absolute conviction that must come from within one’s self

Only you can answer this question if you be Willing to Honestly look at yourself

Thus I ask this question again:

What then is stopping me from being willing?

Could it be Fear?

Fear of the unknown

It could be said that “it is easier to walk the path most familiar, than to venture out into unchartered terrain”

Nothing in Life is can be planned out so absolute as to say the outcome can be determined to 100% degree of accuracy,

For every decision, every course of action inevitably has some element of unknown risk

Willingness to change is to face that risk,

To take a leap of faith and trust in ourselves or others or in a power that lies beyond the realm of what man can perceive

That whatever it is that we are to change will take course and the outcome will be as it is meant to be

So often we are unwilling to do so if the path seem undesirable or too strenuous despite the logic that we may see in doing or taking said course of action.

“Nothing changes, if NOTHING CHANGES

Let go of what is in your mind, and ask only Honesty of thy own Heart

Only you can answer the question

Am I willing?

If the answer be Yes,

Have the courage to take that inevitable leap of Faith in taking the necessary action required

Breathe

Take a breath,

It’s a simple act and one we take for granted, but you don’t realise the power contained in such a small action besides the vital act of keeping us alive.

In moments of stress, stop and pause for a moment and take a few deep breaths, this may sound silly but what your doing is releasing all of that built up energy that may be clouding your judgement and making you feel stressed.

From learning to pause for a moment and not just react I can gain a clarity of the situation and see the truth of what my next course of action should be, all by taking a few small breaths….

Learn to stop and see the beauty in the world around you and on days like today, take a while to pause at take in the essence of the life happening all around you.

We only get so many breaths here in this life and how many we get is not important, it’s what we do with them that matters 🙂 x

Who am I?

Who am I?

I can’t tell you that,

I’m not the man that I was yesterday,

And I’m not the man I will be tomorrow,

Who I am is here and now in the present and in the essence of each breath as it passes in and out through my body, which in its simplest form is the basis for life,

 

Be ever mindful of the present,

 

Gazing too far into the future will see life pass you by and you will have missed all of those important steps that you would have needed to take to achieve the goal that you envisaged.

Dwelling too much on the past can leave you trapped in a never ending cycle, you can never again be the person you once were, but here and now in the present you can affect the person that you want to be.

 

So then who am I?

I am ever evolving from one moment until the next, the man you meet today may not be the same man you meet tomorrow, but all of this is okay as long as your willing to grow and embrace the change that comes with life 🙂 x