Tag Archive: Feel


i dont mind

I don’t mind
But then again I do

Why did I just say that to you?

 

Was it my fear of letting you down and by some weird logic me as well?
I can’t tell
The words just came out

 

I don’t mind
Here I go again

What is stopping me from telling you the truth?

The truth..

Truth is that I do not know how I feel
Is this real? Is this Real?

 

Is this just me wanting you to like me
Not to judge me, not to see me
Not to hate me or be me

Why do I care so much?
I’ve grown out of touch

 

You’re no longer there, it’s just me

But still I stand and stare

 

What was the question again?

 

It feels like hours have past
I hope that this feeling won’t last

Then I hear a voice say “Are you alright?”

 

I don’t think I answered

Not a word was said
If just gone silent and it was all in my head

 

“Well then will you?”
The voice asked again

This time I said…

 

“No”

Redemption,

To make up for the mistakes of one’s past,

To be redeemed in the eyes of one fellows,

To prove that you have truly changed your ways,

We all live with the scars of past mistakes,

Every choice and decision has made me into the person I am today,

I would not be as so arrogant to say that I have lived a perfect life,

Or that the angel I can sometimes portray to the outside world would be an accurate account of my true nature,

The first step towards redemption is to take responsibility for ones actions,

The second step is to live with the consequences of those decisions and realise that although you may wish to atone and mend your ways,

For some the moment when you may be ready to atone and face your demons, may not be a time when they wish to forgive.

Trust once so freely given when lost, can be a hard thing to earn once more

But there comes a point where you have to let go,

Not forget!

But Let Go,

You can only offer so many apologise,

Do so many good deeds, which in the grand scheme of things lead you to believe that you’re truly changing and atoning for your past,

But if the person or persons whom which you wish to atone, are unable to see past the darkness of the person you once were,

Then it may be that all you can do is walk away….

At least for now,

No person however far you may feel you have fallen is not worth saving,

Most days hope can be your ally, in the darkest moments of your life,

That urge never to give up and un-explainable faith that things will get better,

To walk away is not to admit defeat or to shirk one’s responsibilities,

Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing,

For to take further action would only cause more harm,

You may be at peace with your past,

But some scars run deep and leave marks no words so sweetly spoken could ever hope to heal.

I’m at peace with my past,

Though those around me may be unwilling to let go,

For me all that is left it to look towards my future,

Whether you be in my life or not,

I have admitted my faults and taken action towards setting things right,

The rest is up to you,

I tire of fighting to prove that I have changed and taking the brunt of past anger,

It is not by choice that I have walked away from parts of my life,

But to realise the there is little else I can do and that to stay would cause more harm than good,

Change does not come easy,

It is not a simple victory that can be won by a few good deeds or uttering but some simple words of apology,

All I can do is pray that I am truly a different man,

From whom I used to be,

And that those I love will come to see this in their own time…

I do this not only for you but for me also,

Redemption sought for the sake of another,

To solely regain one’s favour is not a truth in itself.

Regardless of what you may think of me,

I am who I am that’s all I can be,

And I pray one day you will finally see,

The lost and angry man you used to know,

Is not the true me… Xx

 

When I learn to feel, my heart will heal,
But how can I truly let go?..,.
and what is stopping me?

If my body be but a shell,
the physical manifestation of my true spirit within.
How then have I strayed so far,
From purity in the essence of my heart…

I’ve lived a lie and have worn a mask,
to protect me from the world,
A world i so desperately wanted to reach out and touch…

But to touch is to let you in…
But how would I start?
And where would I truly begin?

How do I let you see the side that I’ve so desperately fought to hide?
Can I truly pocket my Pride and become the man I’ve so long denied

Or will I forever live a lie?…

The darkness of my mind slowly creeps in,
It’s scares me now more than ever,
Reaching far deeper than I’ve ever been…

And then I see your face… Happiness fills me

But not for long…then comes Fear
Never ending Fear… But why?

I do not know but why…
I so desperately want to let you in…
But how would I start?
And where would I begin?…

Would I start with all thats good in me, my warmth and love and charity?

Yes this is it, this is what I want you to see,
This is the man I’ve so longed to be,

Feel the warmth of my spirit,
The violent yet gentle flame burning within,
Let me wrap my arms around you,
Warming you in my loving eternal embrace,

Reaching out to you and caressing your face

Let me call to you, call you by your Name

Speak words so Sweet, so Pure and Divine,

If all I have to offer you be but a few simple words,
Let the words I speak here today, take root in your Heart,
Let them be the seeds of Life to an everlasting tree of Devine Hope

These are the words I’ve never shared,
The words I’ve so long to but never dared…
To speak to you not with my mouth and lips,
But with my Heart and Eternal Soul

Let me call to you to hear my cry,
Hear the silenced voice of the little boy deep inside,
The man I’ve become bares the scars of false pride,
Standing before you this day is not a Man…But a Child

Clumsy and off balanced as I learn to stand and take that vital first step into the unknown

I feel as if I’m falling… But within you I feel the wings to Fly,
I won’t crash and burn, I’ll launch into flight, Soaring higher than I’ve ever been

Fear grips me by the throat strangling me from the inside,

But something’s different now…

“Take a breathe”…

“It’s ok”…

“Take a breath”

I hear a voice from within

“It’ll be ok, trust in me”

It’s no longer a battle, I no longer have to Win,
Let me head the echoing words of the True voice within

Today in You I see not the end,
I’ve feel the Essence of your Love in you my Friend

But to tell you half a tale would be still a Lie,
I’m still holding you at arms length away… And I don’t know why?..

How do I let you completely in?…
I’ve begun to let you in….
But now I’m scared to truly begin….

How do I take off the mask I’ve worn for so long?
Peel back the layers that I once thought kept me safe,

What will you think of me, when you get to truly see…
That I am not as Perfect as I make out to be…
There’s a whole other side to me…
And there is much of which I am ashamed…

I open my mouth…Nothing
I try again…. Nothing
I’m crippled with fear and I know not why

But then I feel your Touch… Oh how I want you so much

As I stand there looking into your eyes, I finally start to realise,
That you can already see,
Into the deepest depths of me,
To what the eye is blind to, but the Loving Heart can see

And your not Afraid.

You simply take my hand and Smile…

I pause for a while…

What is this I Feel inside? what used to be Fear has now begun to subside,

No longer am I deafened by fears crippling call, fueled by my arrogance and false pride

I no longer wish to Hide!!

I’m Finally ready, it feels natural with you to just be ME

All that I’ve ever wanted to Be

All I am I share with you Now,

Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually

I offer you my hand as we walk into the sun light of the Spirit
Bringing light to festered shadows of my mind
Let the boy within me hear the Beauty of your Lovers call..

At this perfect moment of internal bliss both He and I become One,

I, He, We and then just Me,

Now finally….You and Me

When I learned to Feel,
My wounds were Healed,

I am no longer afraid to let You In
I’ve finally let go and shared with you the essence of my True being,

My Soul within,

I was once Afraid and Blind to See, that the only thing that was stopping Me was….

ME

XxX