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I’m Sorry

 

I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry if I don’t live up to your Standards,

But it’s not my fault you can’t See,

That there is only one true version of Me,

 

I’m Sorry is a word I used to say to you,

Before I’d had a chance to really think it throuhg,

 

So many days I used to agonize,

Why do I have this need to look Perfect in your eyes?

Why did it take me so long to realise? 

 

This Shit ain’t worth it,

My life ain’t Perfect,

But the way I feel today,

I know that I’m Worth It

 

I was once Sorry for Me,

Now I’m Sorry for You,

I’m Sorry you cut us short and didn’t want to see this through,

 

I’m Sorry for all the moments that we will miss,

To Touch, To Hold, To Share a Kiss,

 

I’m Sorry that you could not wait to See,

That there is so much more to Me,

 

I used to say Sorry and thought that I meant it

But not anymore…

 

I’m not Sorry for who I am,

Whether your in my life or not…

Past, Present, Future

Past – where I’ve been

Present – Where I am now

Future – Where I hope to be or where I see myself going

Where do you currently reside?

It’s a simple question, but take a second to think about it before you can answer honestly.

The “Past” is the places I’ve been, the people that came before me,

It can be said that the some total of your “experience” are building blocks of the man or woman that you are today. I would not be where I am at this very moment in time had i not experienced all the good and bad things that led me to this very point in time.

The Present is what is happening right now.

Right now this very second you are reading the words off of this page.

As I write them, so do you take them in and form your own opinion and understanding of what has been wrote.

But the present is not a lasting “thing” for lack of a better choice of words, as it is truly a state of being that you perceive in the essence of the “moment” before it becomes only but a memory and a part of your past.

The Future is forever changing and is that which is yet to come.

Everyday we make decisions or choices that will make an impact on the course that we take through life

“I won’t go to that party”

Had you had gone maybe you would have met the woman or man of your dreams, but this would be an outcome unlived

“I’ll take that job instead of this one”

 The people and experiences that you would have gained from taking either path would inevitably affect who you are to become and the wisdom and skill you would gain in your present life

But you can’t know what lies ahead with every outcome as you have to make a decision… “One or the other” and be able to live with what the future is to entail based on your current decision

When I asked above “which state are you currently living in” I asked you to pause for a reason.

Ideally we would strive to be living in a constant state of being i.e. the present, so that we are able to fully comprehend and take in all that is around us and truly experience life.

But such a state is hard to sustain fully and in my experience we often find ourselves slipping into the memories of the past or lost in the contemplation of what is yet to come.

The past is a great teacher but do not let yourself get trapped there.

We all experience both good and bad events as we grow into the people that we become, some of which leave scars and memories that we either strive to fight against and rebel or hope to live up to.

“I’m not going to end up like him or her”

May be a good motivation to give you the inner energy needed to succeed and achieve your goals,

But if you are running from the memory be careful that you don’t become what you have fought so hard to avoid in your quest to change your fate. To hold onto such hate will eventually consume you if you let it, rather than striving not to be him or her learn from his or her mistakes so that you can be the best version of you in the present.

You can say that similarly looking too far into the future can cause much harm if done in a way that makes you unable to see what is happening right in front of your eyes:

“I’m gonna be a millionaire”

“I’m gonna be a great dad and have a wonderful partner and kids”

Too few realise that although these may admirable goals to set oneself, there are a number of steps that we each have to walk until that “future goal becomes a present reality”

Be careful that you get so focused on the perfect ideal that the present joy and happiness will walk in and out of your life.

The real question you should be asking yourself after you have made your future aspirations is how am i going to achieve this thing?

Followed at once by taking “Action” in the “Present”

Learn from the Past, don’t look to deny or become trapped there

Learn to be Present, you only get one life and you will never again experience the events of today, make the most of it and be there in mind and body to experience it in all its beauty

Strive towards the future, don’t just live in the fantasy ask yourself honestly how you are to achieve such goals and take the necessary action to turn a dream into a reality

But the future is forever changing, no one’s fate is written in the stars

Have faith that you are where you are meant to be right now that’s all you need concern yourself with

 

I can’t change what’s already happened only learn from it and tomorrow hasn’t happened yet,

So why spend time worrying too much about it

Go out and Live and things will work out as there meant to. 🙂

Choices

 

Choices

Decisions

Everyday each of us has to make a choice or a decision.

Some of the choices we make bare little weight on the overall bearing on the course we travel through in our lives 

Have little impact on the outward ripple that carries on the wave that touches the lives of those we love and care about or even those we make “think” we hate or may not be aware;

For I could only tell you the way I see things from my perspective, I can see it’s effects in and around me some are tangible proof, others are only but a feeling,

I would not be so arrogant as to presume that though we may have lived through the same event, I could ever fully comprehend what it is that you felt and experienced at that very moment in time.

Decisions that are great in magnitude are sometimes made so lightly that we can only see the desired outcome of first few waves, not the upcoming storm on the horizon.

“But how then do we make a choice?”

“What is it that we should consider?”

I could spend a life time in deep contemplation, pondering all outcomes and trying to envision this “important decision” from all sides as so to limit the damage of my inevitable impact on those around me.

But to do so would mean my own defeat for I would have missed what it is to be alive

We can acquire all the knowledge in the world learned through books and our fellows as we grow….

But “Wisdom” comes through experience, taking what I’ve learned in a text book or class room and putting it into real life application

“Wisdom” not only come from making the “right” choices in life but also from the “mistakes” that we make, with the key being that we are “willing” and able to “Learn” from each and every experience.

In the end that final leap involves and element of “Luck” or what some might call “faith” it name is not important

As “no outcome is ever 100%” there is always the possibility that things may go the opposite way from which you expect, despite what all the evidence may be telling you.

Take time to really consider how your actions will impact others, if we all did this honestly the world would be a better place, but believe me saying it is much “easier” than putting its application into “practice” and I am by no means a saint.

My best advice is to be “true to who you are” whatever that may be in every decision you make, do not spend to long pondering for you will see your life slip pass you by…

And “Learn!!” Sometimes the greatest lessons that we learn through good or bad choices only come to us when we are “willing and open to see the truth”

All the best to you today 🙂

 

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Why does it always rain on me?

Is it because I lied when I was 17?…

That was 10 years ago now!!

I said I was Sorry!!

What more do you want from me??!!

—-

Rain, Rain, Go Away,
Come again another day…

Nope, tomorrow’s no good for me either!!

I can pencil you in for a week on Tuesday??

Seeds of Purity

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When the world was young and still a Child
I planted a seed out in the Wild,
Although it was a harsh and violent place,
That seed was to flourish and show it’s Grace,

For born are we in Purity,
Formed in a perfect bond of man’s Unity,
The dirt from which our routes do spring,
Do not determine the who we are Within,

Search not outward but inwardly,
For the essence of Love,
For the Warmth of embrace,
For the Faith at the Heart of every Man, Woman and Child,

See not only with thine Eyes
For no mind can ever fully See,

The True Beauty in each of us,

For we are each but one flower in the Garden of Man’s Hope,

Sprouted from the Seeds of Purity

Xx

Willingness

Willingness

What does it mean?

Willingness

Am I really willing to take said course of action or am I just saying that I am?

Does my mind tell that I am willing to engage and follow the way of logic?

But does my behavior as expressed by my actions dictate that the path I follow displays a fundamental unwillingness to change?

“I know it worked for him or her, I’ve seen the proof! how then can I not give it a try when my way clearly isn’t working”

What then is stopping me from being willing?

The answer to this question is Me!!

There’s a Vast difference between Knowing the right path and Walking the right path.

To take Action is the key,

It is a gift unto to which no man or woman can give another,
For it is a deep routed desire or a feeling of absolute conviction that must come from within one’s self

Only you can answer this question if you be Willing to Honestly look at yourself

Thus I ask this question again:

What then is stopping me from being willing?

Could it be Fear?

Fear of the unknown

It could be said that “it is easier to walk the path most familiar, than to venture out into unchartered terrain”

Nothing in Life is can be planned out so absolute as to say the outcome can be determined to 100% degree of accuracy,

For every decision, every course of action inevitably has some element of unknown risk

Willingness to change is to face that risk,

To take a leap of faith and trust in ourselves or others or in a power that lies beyond the realm of what man can perceive

That whatever it is that we are to change will take course and the outcome will be as it is meant to be

So often we are unwilling to do so if the path seem undesirable or too strenuous despite the logic that we may see in doing or taking said course of action.

“Nothing changes, if NOTHING CHANGES

Let go of what is in your mind, and ask only Honesty of thy own Heart

Only you can answer the question

Am I willing?

If the answer be Yes,

Have the courage to take that inevitable leap of Faith in taking the necessary action required

The Hand

 

The hand is what I offer thee, as a sign of greeting initially, when words are spoke, common threads we share, unity forms when hearts do care,

So what once was hands has become now arms, stretched out and welcoming to form a hug.

With arms embrace to comfort thee, and bring hope that whatever life shall throw at me, for in my huggers arms my fears melt away, and see me through safely till another day 🙂 x

You are where you are meant to be

Right now at this very moment in time, could you consider that this is where you are meant to be?

How often do we say to ourselves:

“I wish I was where he or she was”

“I wish I had his or her life”

“if only I had made this or that decision my life would be different”

“My life shouldn’t have turned out this way”

As human beings we are granted the luxury of free will and have the ability to make choices both good and bad that will have a direct impact on the paths we go on to take on our journey through life.

Granted that the choices life presents you with may be determined by the environment in which you were born into.

But do you have the courage, determination and belief within yourself to tempt ‘would be fate’ and take the necessary action to change your stars and forge a new destiny for yourself?

A destiny different from that from which you were born into?

Or are you consoled to let the once hopeful dreams of a child fade away and die, remaining but flittering thoughts of an innocent soul who’s perception of the world was once full of hope?

Every decision we make has repercussions both good and bad,

But could you conceive that every decision that you have made up until this very moment was the right one for you?

It is my belief that life is a journey and to have become the man I am today I couldn’t have walked any other path.

I used to say to myself:

If I would have finished university, my life wouldn’t have turned out this way….

If that had been my path then I wouldnt have been able to spend time with my mum during the final year of her life, precious moments more valuable than any degree or possible ‘perfect job’ in the present could make up for.

I’m tired of earning low wages, I deserve more money….

Did I really? I’ve earned more money in the past, but my ability to take responsibility and manage my finances has only come to me recently.

Having more money when I thought I deserved it would never had lead to me being able to be grateful for what little I’ve earned and be able to reach a level of maturity to be able to handle all the financial responsibility that comes with being an adult. An inevitability to which I have avoided until now and I’m nearly twenty-six years old.

Whatever trials we face in our life both good and bad lead us to the inevitable point where in that seemingly meaningless moment, we have to make a decision and be able live with the consequences

But take comfort in the fact that no one among us is Perfect

To be able to identify honestly where you were wrong and be able to learn from those mistakes made shows strength in your character and demonstrates that you are growing as a person.

Some of life’s lessons can only be learned through experiencing them first hand.

It’s the lessons from these moments that we carry forward with us and help to forge our character.

Would you really be who you are today had you not lived through every seconds and every moment up until this very point in time?

,You are where you are meant to be

Right now, here in this very moment as you read these words from the page and take each breath in and out.

Treasure every precious moment you have in this Life,

Truly live in the present to be able to experience the beauty in the essence of life in the world all around you.

You can’t change your past but you can learn from each and every experiences and be able to make the necessary changes that will carry you forward into the future.

Whatever your age, where ever you are right now, your story is still yet to be told….

I wish you all the best on your journey

,One day

,One hour,

,One second,

,One moment at a time 🙂 x

When I learn to feel, my heart will heal,
But how can I truly let go?..,.
and what is stopping me?

If my body be but a shell,
the physical manifestation of my true spirit within.
How then have I strayed so far,
From purity in the essence of my heart…

I’ve lived a lie and have worn a mask,
to protect me from the world,
A world i so desperately wanted to reach out and touch…

But to touch is to let you in…
But how would I start?
And where would I truly begin?

How do I let you see the side that I’ve so desperately fought to hide?
Can I truly pocket my Pride and become the man I’ve so long denied

Or will I forever live a lie?…

The darkness of my mind slowly creeps in,
It’s scares me now more than ever,
Reaching far deeper than I’ve ever been…

And then I see your face… Happiness fills me

But not for long…then comes Fear
Never ending Fear… But why?

I do not know but why…
I so desperately want to let you in…
But how would I start?
And where would I begin?…

Would I start with all thats good in me, my warmth and love and charity?

Yes this is it, this is what I want you to see,
This is the man I’ve so longed to be,

Feel the warmth of my spirit,
The violent yet gentle flame burning within,
Let me wrap my arms around you,
Warming you in my loving eternal embrace,

Reaching out to you and caressing your face

Let me call to you, call you by your Name

Speak words so Sweet, so Pure and Divine,

If all I have to offer you be but a few simple words,
Let the words I speak here today, take root in your Heart,
Let them be the seeds of Life to an everlasting tree of Devine Hope

These are the words I’ve never shared,
The words I’ve so long to but never dared…
To speak to you not with my mouth and lips,
But with my Heart and Eternal Soul

Let me call to you to hear my cry,
Hear the silenced voice of the little boy deep inside,
The man I’ve become bares the scars of false pride,
Standing before you this day is not a Man…But a Child

Clumsy and off balanced as I learn to stand and take that vital first step into the unknown

I feel as if I’m falling… But within you I feel the wings to Fly,
I won’t crash and burn, I’ll launch into flight, Soaring higher than I’ve ever been

Fear grips me by the throat strangling me from the inside,

But something’s different now…

“Take a breathe”…

“It’s ok”…

“Take a breath”

I hear a voice from within

“It’ll be ok, trust in me”

It’s no longer a battle, I no longer have to Win,
Let me head the echoing words of the True voice within

Today in You I see not the end,
I’ve feel the Essence of your Love in you my Friend

But to tell you half a tale would be still a Lie,
I’m still holding you at arms length away… And I don’t know why?..

How do I let you completely in?…
I’ve begun to let you in….
But now I’m scared to truly begin….

How do I take off the mask I’ve worn for so long?
Peel back the layers that I once thought kept me safe,

What will you think of me, when you get to truly see…
That I am not as Perfect as I make out to be…
There’s a whole other side to me…
And there is much of which I am ashamed…

I open my mouth…Nothing
I try again…. Nothing
I’m crippled with fear and I know not why

But then I feel your Touch… Oh how I want you so much

As I stand there looking into your eyes, I finally start to realise,
That you can already see,
Into the deepest depths of me,
To what the eye is blind to, but the Loving Heart can see

And your not Afraid.

You simply take my hand and Smile…

I pause for a while…

What is this I Feel inside? what used to be Fear has now begun to subside,

No longer am I deafened by fears crippling call, fueled by my arrogance and false pride

I no longer wish to Hide!!

I’m Finally ready, it feels natural with you to just be ME

All that I’ve ever wanted to Be

All I am I share with you Now,

Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually

I offer you my hand as we walk into the sun light of the Spirit
Bringing light to festered shadows of my mind
Let the boy within me hear the Beauty of your Lovers call..

At this perfect moment of internal bliss both He and I become One,

I, He, We and then just Me,

Now finally….You and Me

When I learned to Feel,
My wounds were Healed,

I am no longer afraid to let You In
I’ve finally let go and shared with you the essence of my True being,

My Soul within,

I was once Afraid and Blind to See, that the only thing that was stopping Me was….

ME

XxX

How did it happen again? 

 Early in the Evening:

Phone Rings

“Hello”

“Hello mate its how’s it going?”

 

“Alright Tim not too bad what you up to?”

 

“You fancy coming out tonight? Everyone’s going down the club,

been ages since we last saw you”

 

“No not tonight mate I think I’ll stay in  and have a quiet one”

(I’d love to go out but I promised myself I wouldn’t drink this week)

“Oh come on mate you got to come out everyone’s going

at least say you’ll come for one, its Sarah’s birthday

you got to come celebrate you got no excuse”

 

(I don’t know if I should go last time I got wrecked and made a fool of myself….but he did say just a couple I’ll

go for one just to be social It’d be rude not to)

 

“All right mate I’ll come but just for one and to wish Sarah a

happy Birthday, but cant stay for long”

“Excellent mate I’ll pick you up in an hour”

 

“Alright see you in a bit”

 

“See you in a bit, tonight gonna be great just  you wait

 got the whole gang back together again”

 

(Did I make the right decision? its been three weeks and my family finally

starting to trust me again after last time……

but I’m only going for one there’s no harm in that……

and it has been a while since I’ve seen Tim, Sarah and my friends,

It wont happen this time, I’ll only have one…..

It’ll be okay………)

 

Later that Night in the club:

“I thought you said you were just gonna have one”

 

“I was but it’s a party mate and a couple beers

never hurt anyone”

(Laughs)

“New you couldn’t just have one, I’m glad you decided

to stay out tonight, I’ve missed you the past few weeks”

 

“Yeah It’s great to be back don’t remember why I left…….” (continued)