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Medication Pic

Medication
Requires dedication
A prescription, A description
Of what's wrong with me
Not what I choose to be
 
So long ago, I did not know which way to go
Stand still, take a pill
Yet I was still ill, I didn't know why

Hidden in a room, while I sat outside
No explanation for why my mum cried
To be a child is not a sin
But they would not let me in
 
Infections, detections, injections
Tests and more tests
But mother knows best
 
Pills that made me sick
 
Physically
Mentally 
Emotionally
 
What's wrong with me?
No one will say...
 
It's an answer locked away
Behind a key within a door 
Always the same door

The same seat
The same chair
The same people always there
 
With me waiting 
Anticipating
 
Next time they'll let me in
Explain the shingles on my skin
I finally get to hear what's behind the door 
 
That thing that makes my mother cry
Now I know why....
 
Medication

What's wrong with me?

Now I know...
 
Pills I was subscribed
When the truth I was denied
 
A diagnosis that was not my choice
That was the day I lost my voice....

i dont mind

I don’t mind
But then again I do

Why did I just say that to you?

 

Was it my fear of letting you down and by some weird logic me as well?
I can’t tell
The words just came out

 

I don’t mind
Here I go again

What is stopping me from telling you the truth?

The truth..

Truth is that I do not know how I feel
Is this real? Is this Real?

 

Is this just me wanting you to like me
Not to judge me, not to see me
Not to hate me or be me

Why do I care so much?
I’ve grown out of touch

 

You’re no longer there, it’s just me

But still I stand and stare

 

What was the question again?

 

It feels like hours have past
I hope that this feeling won’t last

Then I hear a voice say “Are you alright?”

 

I don’t think I answered

Not a word was said
If just gone silent and it was all in my head

 

“Well then will you?”
The voice asked again

This time I said…

 

“No”

Breaking the Pattern

breaking the pattern photo

Breaking the Pattern

It’s funny when I first met you I couldn’t stand you,

In fact come to think,
You made me sick…

Yet good all at the same time,

 

I think I was nine or maybe I was ten;
It’s been so long now I’m not sure when

 

Initially we would have to sneak around,

Down the back of an ally, bushes or trees,

Out of the house quietly,

Making sure my folks didn’t see,

 

Other people just wouldn’t understand
Why I had to be near you and hold you in my hand,

The tut’s the looks, the glaring stares,

But we didn’t care it was just me and you there,

 

We meet twice a week, then soon everyday ,

What can I say,

I needed you,

Which to others seemed absurd,

I heard all the lectures but ignored every word,

 

We used to be able to sit at tables and bars,

Dance the night away and then under the stars,

When I was with you I was confident and funny

Although at times we couldn’t meet due to lack of money

 

But I never stopped thinking of you,

No matter how hard I tried,

It was like a part of you was always with me on the inside

 

Wanting
Raging
Strangely craving

 

Till he moment we’d meet again and I’d never want it to end,

 

But I’m sad to say I’ve met another…

She’s about to be a mother

And it’s one or the other…

 

I’ve been with you as long as I can remember,

 

But that child in her belly is to be a new part of Me

A member of My Family,

And it’s a life I want to see,

 

Which saddens me to say… That just leaves no room for you and me

Although I may miss you, relapse when drunk and try to kiss you

 

It can never be what we had

I don’t want to see my child lose his father,

The same way I lost my Dad….

 

01

Regrets

To Live with Regret

“I wish I would have….”

“If only I’d done….. Instead of……”

How often to we say to ourselves these things?

What would you truly do to be able to go back and replay an experience in life having the information that you posses now that may have been lacking at the time?

Hindsight is a valuable tool that we as humans posses,

Everyday we make choices based on the sum of our experiences through life, every step that has lead us down our path in our journey through life,

Every moment in time up until that inevitable moment where we must make that decision and live with the consequences that are to follow.

To Live with Regret is to hold onto the past.

As we replay the situation over and over again in our minds, we tell ourselves what we would have done differently had we known what we know now.

But consider this

Would I really have the knowledge and experience that I poses now, had I not made the decision that I had made?

Whatever the outcome what’s matters most is not the mistakes that you make in Life but what you are able to learn from then.

If I regret a decision then I have not truly Learned the lesson of that experience.

Some times these lessons are glaringly obvious:

“I know now in the future I need to prepare better, I didn’t do enough revision”

“I need to work on my interview technique, next time they’ll hire me”

Don’t regret the life you’ve lived instead choose to take lessons from the experiences you’ve obtained, letting these lessons carry you into the future.

Life is to short to live with regret

Make the most if each day,
Live life till its fullest,

I’m 27 now and I am where I am meant to be, every decision had made me the man I am today

To deny this fact is to deny who I truly am

I wish you all the best on your journey today 🙂 X

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Today this could be, the greatest day of our lives…

Or this could be the worst day, depending on your perspective…

Start your day of well today,

Focus on being all that you can be,

If I go out into the world with the mindset that everyday I am going to live up to my full potential,

Then Everyday is a Great Day

If my day starts with fear and an outlook of doom and gloom, then how can I expect my day to go any other way,

Things may or may not go the way I want them to go,

But what is important is that I be open to experience everything the day has to offer and not close my mind with my own preconceptions about life,

If I live for today, truly in every moment and every second of the day,

Then this has not been a day that has been wasted,

For what I experience today may carry me into the future,

Today this could be the greatest day of our lives

If we live everyday this way, I’m not saying we won’t be disappointed,

But we will be present to handle and face the challenges that we are presented.

No two days are ever the same,

I can never get yesterday back and I do not know with absolute certainty what tomorrow holds for me.

I wish you well on your journey today,

And I hope you make the most of today, however you choose to spend it

As I shut my front door and go out into the world, I have hope and look forward to the challenges I am to face today,

Life is truly too short to spend worrying about the past, present and future; try and focus on the here and now.

Today this could be the greatest day of our lives

Whatever life has to offer you today, I hope you have an open mind and open heart to experience it.

Everyday is a great day depending on how “I” choose to perceive the world.

🙂 Xx

We are young

We are young,

We are young,

 

We may be smaller, but we’re not weak,

Do you hear our adolescent voices?

And comprehend the words we speak?

 

If wisdom truly comes from age,

Were you not once at this first page?

Did the world not give you room to shine?

Yet you deny the voice that’s mine

 

But why?….

Because…

We are young,

 

My journey may have only just begun,

But were you not once

 

A child?

A teen and all between?

A Daughter?

A Son?

 

Yet you choose to judge us,

Why?

Because…

We are young

 

See the world through our eyes,

As you once did

 

Hope,

Passion,

Sometimes anger and pain,

Try to recall when you felt the same,

 

The world may be a scary place,

To you…

 

But that not what I see,

You may think that it’s my naivety,

 

But that’s ok,

 

Like you have done before me,

I’ll find my own way,

 

I’ll laugh,

I’ll smile,

And sometimes cry,

 

I’ll scream and shout, until I’m heard,

I may not take you at your word,

 

I’m still finding who I am and what I will be,

And at times I do not know…

 

But that’s ok

 

We are young,

But do not judge us by our age,

Take the time to fully read and understand each page,

 

Only then will you finally see,

That we are our own people, both collective and individually

 

As were you…

 

When “You” were young

 

Try and remember that. 🙂 Xx

 

I’m Sorry

im-sorry

I’m Sorry,

 

I’m Sorry I don’t live up to your standards,

But it’s not my fault that you can’t see,

That there is only one true version of me,

 

I’m Sorry is a word I used to say to you,

Before I had the chance to really think it through

 

So many days I used to agonise,

Why do I have this need to look perfect in your eyes?

Why did it take me so long to realise?

 

This shit ain’t worth it,

My life aint perfect,

But the way I feel today,

I know that I’m worth it,

 

I was once Sorry for me,

Now I’m Sorry for you,

I’m Sorry you cut us short and didn’t want to see this through,

 

I’m Sorry for all the moments that we will miss,

To Touch,

To Hold,

To share a Kiss,

 

I’m Sorry that you could not wait to see,

That there is so much more to me,

 

I used to say Sorry and thought that I meant it,

But not anymore….

 

I’m not Sorry for who I am,

 

Whether you’re in my life or not….

 

Have you ever considered how much of what you display is an act and how much of it is the real you?

All of us play roles at some point in our lives, but where does the role stop and the real person inside begin.

Take meeting a perspective partner for the first time.

On that first instance, the first approach there is an element of acting involved.

 

It’s the age old dance that men and women play whatever your preference may be.

Like an interview you only get one chance to sell yourself and make a good first impression, to your perspective other.

I may be quiet, timid and insecure but on that first approach, those are the less favourable qualities of my character that I do not display.

The man you meet could maybe be seen as an exaggeration of my better qualities, but to some degree that is not the real me only the light side of the coin.

 

In my working life I play a different role.

Training and experience has enabled me to be able to handle certain situations that would cause many to fail.

This however is not so much an act but could be considered to be such if the confidence that I display in a familiar situation of which I’ve learned responses; is not the behaviour that I display in my everyday life.

Therein could be the problem that you may face and ask yourself, where does the actor or actress in me that has learned what the necessary response may be finish and where does the variety of my true nature and character begin?

 

I think to some degree I’ve always been an actor, able to assess situations and formulate the appropriate response to whatever life may throw at me.

The problem starts when you are unable to take off the multitude of masks and costumes that you may wear.

Worker, Husband, Wife, Father, Mother, Son, Daughter, CEO, Boss

All of these roles are the building blocks of your character, the person you portray, but are they really you deep down inside?

Being true to one’s self may often mean sacrificing parts of one’s self and compromising on certain beliefs…

“I was a career oriented woman or man until we had our first child”

Things that once drove you to strive to achieve are no longer the focal points of your life,

“I used to work late nights but it means more to me now to tuck my son or daughter in, than to spend that extra hour at the office”

 

As a parent you make sacrifices every day, for those you love as you put their needs ahead of your own.

This is not the actions of an actor, but the actions of the Love you poses.

We all play different roles in life,

 

Different circumstances may cause us to change our outer shell,

But for me it is most important to stay true to who we are.

 

To let someone completely in and see the true you, is the greatest expression of honesty,

My joys and successes,

My fears and my woes,

 

To be an actor bares no shame, sometimes we all need to take on certain roles,

But to deny one’s self fully, is a greater sin,

 

The true self is always changing,

I am no more the man I was yesterday,

As today had changed me into something else

But at my core,

I know who I am,

As you know who you are.

Actor/self

True/False

Only you can decide

🙂 Xx

 

Redemption,

To make up for the mistakes of one’s past,

To be redeemed in the eyes of one fellows,

To prove that you have truly changed your ways,

We all live with the scars of past mistakes,

Every choice and decision has made me into the person I am today,

I would not be as so arrogant to say that I have lived a perfect life,

Or that the angel I can sometimes portray to the outside world would be an accurate account of my true nature,

The first step towards redemption is to take responsibility for ones actions,

The second step is to live with the consequences of those decisions and realise that although you may wish to atone and mend your ways,

For some the moment when you may be ready to atone and face your demons, may not be a time when they wish to forgive.

Trust once so freely given when lost, can be a hard thing to earn once more

But there comes a point where you have to let go,

Not forget!

But Let Go,

You can only offer so many apologise,

Do so many good deeds, which in the grand scheme of things lead you to believe that you’re truly changing and atoning for your past,

But if the person or persons whom which you wish to atone, are unable to see past the darkness of the person you once were,

Then it may be that all you can do is walk away….

At least for now,

No person however far you may feel you have fallen is not worth saving,

Most days hope can be your ally, in the darkest moments of your life,

That urge never to give up and un-explainable faith that things will get better,

To walk away is not to admit defeat or to shirk one’s responsibilities,

Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing,

For to take further action would only cause more harm,

You may be at peace with your past,

But some scars run deep and leave marks no words so sweetly spoken could ever hope to heal.

I’m at peace with my past,

Though those around me may be unwilling to let go,

For me all that is left it to look towards my future,

Whether you be in my life or not,

I have admitted my faults and taken action towards setting things right,

The rest is up to you,

I tire of fighting to prove that I have changed and taking the brunt of past anger,

It is not by choice that I have walked away from parts of my life,

But to realise the there is little else I can do and that to stay would cause more harm than good,

Change does not come easy,

It is not a simple victory that can be won by a few good deeds or uttering but some simple words of apology,

All I can do is pray that I am truly a different man,

From whom I used to be,

And that those I love will come to see this in their own time…

I do this not only for you but for me also,

Redemption sought for the sake of another,

To solely regain one’s favour is not a truth in itself.

Regardless of what you may think of me,

I am who I am that’s all I can be,

And I pray one day you will finally see,

The lost and angry man you used to know,

Is not the true me… Xx

 

Why?

Why?

I can see it your eye,

You asking me “Why?”

 

Why did I do it again?

 

I tell we’re supposed to be friends,

But nothings chnaged now we’re back here again and your asking me

 

“Why?”

 

The look in your eyes is torturing,

I can feel your pain, which fills me with shame,

Cause I don’t have an answer to your question..

 

“Why?”

 

I told you uI loved you, and in that moment I meant it,

These are not just words

Not some new verse,

That day as I held you in my arms,

You were my universe,

The one I could see my self ending up with,

 

Quiting my old ways, coming out of the wild,

I can see me as the father and you as the mother of my child

Everything was perfect,

That day you were worth it,

 

But now you asking me why…

 

And I dont have an answer…

 

No sweet a word I could conjour out from my lips,

I wanna storke your hair and steal a kiss,

But this is not what your looking for from me right now..

 

The actions are easy, but words are hard,

I’ve thrown a life a way, something we planned,

You were my girl and I was your man

 

But not anymore things have changed,

How could I ever cause you so much pain,

 

You ask me again

 

“Why?”

And truthfully….

 

“I don’t know Why”